Delusion Alley

So, Happy New Year, everyone!

Except the Chinese who insist that their year starts later.

And the high-finance folks who insist that the year starts “around April”[6].

Anyhow, “Problems with Infinity“, who might actually have a normal sounding name (but who cares, the longer the better), reminded me of something which happened when I traveled into Birdtown.

Now, for those who don’t live in Barbados, let me explain to you that we treat Bridgetown[7], the official capital city, as a cesspool of subhuman scum[5]. They are people who have never been “into town” in years, despite functioning normally (or even extra-normally) within local society.

Bridgetown is what happens why people pile one lie up upon the other until nothing can get done, because only broken clocks are correct. It is so old that most of it was declared a world heritage site, but then demolished by men with bulldozers who are ruled over by birds. Which is why I call it “Birdtown” above, rather than Bridgetown. Normal people just call it “town”. No bridge required….

So, anyhow, I work in the same Parish. I can walk into ‘town in like half an hour or less. However, I prefer to do business just about anywhere else.

One day, recently, I had to renew a book at the public library. Which is … in birdland… so I decided to procrastinate actively, by taking a walk to the Ivy and taking pictures of the clouds.

Anyhow, this guy who I know from preteen days decided to come with me to the library. Only, it seems, he was of the opinion that his corpus colleseum (he actually used that term) needed to be adjusted, and he said that he was doing this by using some sort of telekinesis which he learned whilst astral traveling [2]. He also wanted me to design some sort of flood-proof spirals for the tsunami which he insisted was going to occur Real Soon Now, but I suggested he just build and sell boats instead. Which some local people actually do, mostly fishermen.

Well, whatever… I made him a tuna sandwich and then we were on the way.

We come to a cross-walk between the bus station and the street which the public library is situated on.

They are only orthogonal (right angle) crossings, so if you want to cross diagonally, you have to make two journeys, if you want to stay on the painted cross walk.

However, all traffic flows stop the same time, and there is less than twenty seconds to cross, so a lot of people just make their own ad hoc diagonal. Personally, I aim for more of an exponential curve, as I learnt[1] in math that is the fastest distance between two points, but then again, perhaps, the the physical world, that rule only applies if you’re using a gravity well for a slingshot maneuver.

This guy, however, freaks the hell out. He shouts loudly that he “don’t cross on diagonals” and complains so much that I can barely keep walking.

I reach the sidewalk, safely, and start to laugh so much I have to hold onto a wall for support.

And that is my experience with “Diagonally”, which was doubly funny because I somehow started thinking of the scene in that Harry Potter movie where he wanted to go to “Dia-gon Alley” and ended up speaking too indistinctly, and ended up… elsewhere.


  1. “learnt” is a valid word, I don’t care what spell-check says.
  2. I do not advise performing neurosurgery on oneself, no matter how much astral projection powers you possess. A brain surgeon has a “loco” for a patient. It was meant to be lobotomy but something slipped, get it?
  3. “You Fool(0)” is supposed to trigger Judgement(XX), but World Leaders(XX!) are beyond that, as are Primes (over 22).
  4. “settling law” is the process of excelling above accusers. It leads to kindness to enemies and all sorts of other things which make no sense to those under tit-for-tat Mammon-ic law, but which make perfect sense for a growing nation. It’s the reason why public safety is high in places which give a lot of gifts, and low in places which focus instead on “law enforcement” or matching crimes with force, rather than preventing crimes with the law of gifts and grace of wit and negotiation(XXIII).
  5. By “we”, I mean only me. Most bajans are too polite to call anyplace “scummy”. Especially when they frequent it, as I do.
  6. I made a joke-pun on April’s Fool but it wasn’t funny so I took it out. It was also a pun on the Ra Ka plane, the Major Arcana, and the oddness of the common “Roman” calendar… you Fool~S[3] :P~~ … and I just settled all my lawsuits[4] so I can call you that as much as I want. And also, Eminem versus whoever he was beefing with at the time that he said “I just settled all my lawsuits”. Really, too many puns, even I had trouble keeping track of them. So … yeah. 
  7. Bridgetown is in Saint Michael, just as Miami is in Florida. The “states” are called Parishes instead, but the voting is based on constituencies which are so complicated that every few years, some government clerks put out new maps showing where they are and sent you letters telling you where you now belong to. That is incidental, though.



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